It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Bitches!*

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Bitches!*

Gwen, getting her gourd on.

We’re officially in flannel wearing, pumpkin patch visiting, spiced latte drinking season, bitches! Which, coincidentally (?), also happens to coincide with the onset of depression for people with seasonal affective disorder. How do I combat seasonal depression? Three words: DECORATIVE FUCKING GOURDS.

I don’t know about you, but there’s nothing more I look forward to every October than going down into the basement, searching for the bin marked “Fall” or “Thanksgiving” or “Halloween” or maybe just “A” for autumn or something and busting out the shellacked vegetables! Those misshapen little mutant squashes always have a way of putting a smile on my face. This year, I may even add some decorative fabric leaves to the mix of fake shit that will sit in a bowl on my dining room table from now until November 24.

When I’m done posting photos of my festive centerpieces on Instagram, I’ll make apple cider on the stove (from scratch of course), which I’ll serve in adorable little turkey mugs with cinnamon sticks. Then the kids and I will gather around the table to carve pumpkins, make hand-print turkeys and hot-glue together corn on the cob wreaths. And since I’m still unemployed, after the kids go to bed, I’ll probably paper-mâché some of those black pilgrim hats with the buckles on them. Because why not?

Did someone say burlap? Just try to find the front door through the perfectly tethered columns of dried corn stalks, corn husks and bales of hay. There’s a nip in the air and if you’re visiting our house, you better be ready for some leaf-peeping and mulled wine drinking. Because we know how to reap the motherfucking harvest up in here.

Who needs light therapy, vitamin D and Zoloft when there’s dehydrated zucchini squash, candy corn and cinnamon apple scones, right? Feeling down because it’s 4 p.m. and dark as fuck outside? That’s what pumpkin-scented candles are for!  I recommend putting at least 10 in each room of your house and lighting those fuckers up. If the glorious glow of hundreds of Yankee Candle tea lights doesn’t put a smile on your face, the high from the benzene emissions should do the trick.

Whatever you do, just don’t watch “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” That shit will make you suicidal.

Happy fucking fall!

 

* Essay inspired by, “IT’S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS,” published in McSweeney’s, Oct. 20, 2009.

 

 

 

 

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