Things I’m Afraid Of

Things I’m Afraid Of

In no particular order … My student loan debt Getting sprayed by an automatic flushing toilet Hanging my foot off the side of the bed Butterflies (You may have grown pretty wings, but I can see right through your pretty wings to your furry moth body, butterflies!) Touching any solid surface with my bare hand …

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Surviving the Sleepover Birthday Party

Surviving the Sleepover Birthday Party

I know moms (and dads) who love the chaotic, crazy, unpredictable world that kids create. These are parents who can tolerate a messy house. They enthusiastically invite friends into their homes. They host sleepovers and birthday parties. (Why?) They don’t care if their dining room chairs are sticky or their beds unmade. I’m not that …

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Losing My Sh*t At Target

Losing My Sh*t At Target

I’m not going to lie, I dislike going to Target with my kids. The moment my 3-year-old steps through those automatic doors it’s like she’s entered an alternate universe where the rules no longer apply. SHE. MUST. TOUCH. EVERYTHING. Things she has absolutely no interest in at home suddenly become fascinating to her – like …

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Me Too, Duh

Me Too, Duh

I spent most of my teens and twenties trying to keep dudes’ hands off my ass. That’s not to say that I was so hot men found me irresistible— actually the opposite. My self-esteem was so low and my desire to be loved so high, I was a magnet for freaks and predators. So yeah, …

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It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Bitches!*

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Bitches!*

We’re officially in flannel wearing, pumpkin patch visiting, spiced latte drinking season, bitches! Which, coincidentally (?), also happens to coincide with the onset of depression for people with seasonal affective disorder. How do I combat seasonal depression? Three words: DECORATIVE FUCKING GOURDS. I don’t know about you, but there’s nothing more I look forward to every October …

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5 Tips for a Happy Marriage

5 Tips for a Happy Marriage

In a few weeks, it will be 12 years since my husband, Russ, and I stood in front of a Bahamian minister — in what was generously described by our travel agent as a “garden,” next to the swim-up bar at Sandals All-inclusive Royal Bahamian Resort — and said our “I do’s.” It’s hard to …

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Giraffe Envy

Giraffe Envy

My 3-year-old won’t go anywhere without “Jaa-Jaa” — the giraffe/blankie she’s had since birth. Jaa-Jaa smells like Parmesan cheese. He has a couple holes. One of his ears is missing. She doesn’t care. We bought another Jaa-Jaa as a back-up in case she dropped the “real” Jaa-Jaa in the toilet or something, but he’s useless. …

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Litany of a Middle-aged Mom

Litany of a Middle-aged Mom

So I know it’s been a while. I don’t really have an excuse. But I’m back. Hey. Maybe it was turning 40 that did it. Or that cold that knocked me out for two weeks. (The same one the kids got that slowed them down for about two minutes.) I used to be able to …

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Go Bears!

Go Bears!

I never thought I’d be one of those moms who actually gave a shit if her son scored a home run, pitched a no-hitter or won a baseball game. In fact, out of all those three things I just listed, up until a few months ago, I only knew what “baseball game” meant. Of course, …

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