Things I’m Afraid Of

Things I’m Afraid Of

In no particular order …

  1. My student loan debt
  2. Getting sprayed by an automatic flushing toilet
  3. Hanging my foot off the side of the bed
  4. Butterflies (You may have grown pretty wings, but I can see right through your pretty wings to your furry moth body, butterflies!)
  5. Touching any solid surface with my bare hand
  6. Dolls–Old, new, doesn’t matter. They’re all evil.
  7. Shia LaBeouf  (Does this one even need an explanation?)
  8. An empty bottle of wine
  9. Pro-life billboards that say “I could dream before I was born!”
  10. Ticks–I just know I’m getting Lyme disease someday.
  11. Having people at my house
  12. My 3-year-old, around 5 p.m., when she hasn’t had a nap
  13. Accidentally leaving my flask in my other purse
  14. Orange man-babies with bad comb-overs
  15. Using “they” as a singular pronoun
  16. Carnivals and those who run them
  17. The corner of the bedroom not illuminated by the nightlight
  18. Gluten-free anything
  19. The refrigerator ice maker going off in the middle of the night
  20. Clowns. OK?  I’m afraid of clowns. Are you happy?
Nope. Nope. Nope. And nope.

 


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